Pausing and Meeting My Shoulding Part.
Yesterday, when I took a moment to close my eyes and transition into my inner world, I noticed an internal shift as I sought to enter that space. Right away, a part came up that was “shoulding” on me, insisting that I do things right and focus on my most fruitful or important issues. This triggered a bit of a polarization among my parts. One part questioned whether I was fulfilling a model of what a 61-year-old man with a PhD should be doing, while younger parts pushed back, reminding me that I do not need to fit a social mold. As I inquired deeper into what the “shoulding” part’s job was, it shared that its goal was simply to help me fit in. Although other parts initially felt some shame around this, I invited them to step back and create space so we could welcome this part without judgment and hear its story.
Encountering an Eight-Year-Old Protector
My shoulding part revealed that its main fear was that if I did not fit in, I would face shame, isolation, teasing, and anxiety. Exploring this further, I traveled back with this protector into my childhood bedroom. This part appeared as an eight-year-old who had learned to pretend to fit in, though it deeply disliked feeling like a square peg being forced into a round hole. It expressed a desire for a path that felt organic, supported, and emergent rather than forced conformity. This part also shared memories of feeling lonely and turning to rebellious behaviors like stealing or smoking marijuana as a way to connect or express non-conformity. As it reflected on the anxiety and regret connected to those past actions, I began noticing a physical somatic sensation running down the right side of my neck and into my back.
Bearing Witness and Finding Sacred Connection
I continued sitting with and bearing witness to this part. The part expressed deep appreciation for being seen, sharing that it had never imagined that the answers to its dilemmas and life journey could lie within itself rather than in societal expectations. As this realization settled in, my gut jolted, and the part felt a profound sense of sacredness, honoring the reality that its source of happiness was internal and ready to be nurtured. Before winding down, the part asked to capture this moment so these insights would not be forgotten, emphasizing that it is one’s inner journey that crafts one’s outer world. We closed the session with a strong feeling of gratitude, sharing a heartfelt moment of connection before stepping back into the outer world.
These posts are personal reflections on my own n=1 experiment with IFS and somatic inquiry. They are shared for educational purposes and are not intended as medical or psychological advice.