Reconnecting with My 33-Year-Old Self.
In today’s IFS session, I spent some time revisiting a significant moment from my past: my 33-year-old self at the time I left my job to enter Catholic seminary. Being aware of the fear and hyper-vigilance that had defined much of my early life, I wanted to spend time with this part; also considering that this seemed to be a pivotal moment of Self trying to break out and explore the wider world. When I connected with this part, we sat together on my old porch and talked through what lay ahead for him. I shared the path my life eventually took—leaving the seminary, doing work on the border, pursuing environmental sociology, and living on an organic farm. He was curious and open to learning about other possibilities there might be for my life, possibilities for connection, and flexibility in my/our future.
Encountering an Angry Exile
As our conversation turned toward my many struggles with female relationships, the session shifted toward a deeper, underlying exile. This exile felt intense frustration and anger over the severe lack of parental attunement, care, and genuine connection in its life, and felt it was supposed to be grateful for just the standard physical provisions it was receiving. It expressed a massive amount of pent-up rage about being left to figure things out on its own and was initially resistant to relying on me rather than on my mother, at whose absence it was deeply angry. I allowed this part to fully express its rage, acknowledging how justified its anger was given all the unmet needs it had experienced, such as fundamental things like safety and emotional care.
Finding Attunement and Connection
Once the anger was fully expressed and validated, his intensity began to soften. The part moved in for a bear hug from me, allowing itself to be firmly held, squeezed, and comforted. We talked about its fundamental needs for care, safety, and mutual connection, and I was able to offer the presence it had not been getting. By the end of the session, this part chose to sit quietly beside me on the left, holding my hand and taking in the calm green surroundings of the farm. It felt relieved to be seen and removed from that past isolation, leaving us both in a quiet, peaceful place.
These posts are personal reflections on my own n=1 experiment with IFS and somatic inquiry. They are shared for educational purposes and are not intended as medical or psychological advice.