Exploring New Ground.
In a recent self-IFS session, I found myself navigating a mix of internal responses to a calmer nervous system—part of me appreciating it and a part feeling uncomfortable, like I didn’t deserve it—touching on long-held standards of perfectionism, anxiety, busy-ness and vigilance in dealing with my outer world. As I went deeper, I tried a different visualization, something I had noticed earlier in the week. My protectors generally sit on the right side of my inner meeting table and exiles on the left. I had them switch sides.
Working with the Convulsing Part
The moment they switched and I visually grasped it, my body, starting from my gut, reacted with a sudden jolt/convulsion. Being curious, I turned my attention to this convulsing part and asked what it was experiencing. It expressed a sense of shock, explaining that moving these parts felt like changing the established order, like workers becoming bosses and bosses becoming workers. As we talked, it revealed its role: it protects my status quo. Whenever a new concept opens up the possibility for inner expansion or changes to my self-image, this part jolts as a reaction to that shift.
Integrating and Moving Forward
Rather than trying to force the jolt to stop, I simply validated this part and welcomed its presence. By the end of the session, my system felt a little calmer with the idea of protector/exile role switching, but the switch was still activating my convulsing part. As I began to close, all my parts expressed appreciation for being heard and given space without judgment. Experimenting with these spatial dynamics shifted me into what seemed like a strange land and perspective, not only on how my protectors and exiles positioned themselves, but how these positionings also seemed to draw limits on my imagination and possibilities for my life. I will be continuing to explore these boundaries with some anxiety and curiosity.
These posts are personal reflections on my own n=1 experiment with IFS and somatic inquiry. They are shared for educational purposes and are not intended as medical or psychological advice.